Confinement
by Esmerelda
Summary: Xander and Anya think about parenthood.


TITLE: Confinement  
AUTHOR: Esmerelda  
E-MAIL: animus_liber@hotmail.com  
DISCLAIMER: The characters belong to Joss.  
TIMELINE: Around present (end season 5)  
SPOILERS: The X/A relationship.  
SYNOPSIS: Xander and Anya muse on parenthood.  
IMPROV: #16 A Very 'Shippy Improv  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I don't usually write Xander/Anya. Or Xander and Anya at all, because the characters don't really speak to me... just this story, they actively pestered me.  
FEEDBACK: I can't offer naked Angel, but I've put the image in your head. That's gotta be worth something.  
RATING: PG  
  
  
  
Confinement: being confined, imprisonment, child-birth  
  
  
  
ANYA: Well, she got me thinking... about... how people die all the time, and... how they get born too, and how you kind of need one so you can have the other. When I think about it that way, it... makes death a little less sad, and... sex a little more exciting.  
XANDER: Again I say, huh?  
ANYA: Well, I just think I understand sex more now. It's not just about two bodies smooshing together. It's about life. It's about *making* life.  
XANDER: Right, when... two people are much older, and... way richer, and far less stupid.  
ANYA: Breathe. You're turning colors. I'm not ready to make life with you, but I could. *We* could. Life could come out of our love and our smooshing, and that's beautiful. It all makes me feel like I'm part of something bigger. Like I'm more awake somehow. You know?  
XANDER: Yeah, I do.   
  
~ 'Forever'  
  
  
  
  
I don't have experience with human children, though I approve of them far more than aged humans. However, recently I've been seeing infants in the street and feeling what I've identified as maternal... a feeling of longing and protectiveness and almost-love for the pink squalling bundles.  
  
Back in my pre-demon days, I was unusual in being childless. Most of the females my age in the village were mothers or near-mothers or dead in childbirth.  
  
Medicines are much better these days. When our baby comes, it will be healthy and I will be healthy and Xander will be joyful.  
  
I haven't told him yet, but I'm sure he will be joyful. To have a little Xander with dark eyes and hair. Or a little me. How delightful. I think he will make an excellent father, despite his own unfortunate upbringing. I've been reading up, and patterns learned in one's childhood are often repeated with one's own children. I've been with Xander for over eighteen months now, and I don't believe his parents are aware of our relationship, even through my regular visits to the musty basement.  
  
I won't wish to give up work for too long. Perhaps I can simply play the market. The antelope will have to wait. Babies, I'm sure, are expensive. Perhaps I could ask Buffy how much Dawn costs.  
  
We should be married first, traditionally, but I'm not sure marriage works. Many of the women I assisted were unhappily married. It got worse - for the men - when divorce became acceptable. I barely had time to rest, there was always some woman wishing her husband would go to hell or that the woman he was seeing would sprout unattractive facial hair and develop a hump.  
  
I don't talk about my days as a demon as much as I once did, but I think about them. It unsettles Xander to hear me speak of them. I believe he fears I would leave him.  
  
I wouldn't leave him. I couldn't leave him, now. I'm afraid he might leave me, but he doesn't seem to notice. He notices many women, but he comes back to me eventually.  
  
He very rarely tells me he loves me. I remember the first time vividly... I felt real human bliss in that moment, beyond physical ecstasy, which he is good at providing. It was better, to hear he loves me. He is more affectionate in private. I'm over my jealousy of Willow, and of Buffy, but he treats me differently when they're around. Less like he loves me. Or likes me.  
  
He'll love me when I bear his child.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
I've been with Anya - how long now? I haven't kept track, but it's a long time. Longer than I ever thought we'd last, though right at the beginning I didn't think we'd last longer than it took to get dressed.  
  
Who used who, then? I'd like to say she used me, seduced me, and she did make all the moves. But I didn't resist them, knowing I should. I didn't like her, certainly didn't respect her. And I didn't for a long time, even while she was in my bed every night.  
  
She grew on me, the way she's grown on Giles since she started working at the magic shop, and on Buffy and Willow a little less. She's accepted by them all. I seem to be drawn to the girls I know my friends won't approve of.  
  
Then, a little later, I thought I might love her, because she's funny and outspoken and she really liked me. I knew what I felt was never as strong as what she felt. I told her - when I saw Riley and Buffy break up, I knew what Buffy said was true, that I meant more to Anya than she did to me. I thought about it, and I decided I didn't quite love her, not the way love is supposed to be.  
  
But I thought I could, so I said I did.  
  
She was supposed to be a diversion, and now she's a permanent fixture. I was walking her to work the other day, and deep in one-sided discussion over whether we should buy a car, she was cut off by the display in the bridal shop.  
  
She really is becoming a human woman. We're already living together, more or less. If I wait, she'll demand that it be made official, this co-habitation that snuck up on me as her toothbrush did on mine, and I'll agree dutifully. And now she's thinking joint bank account, weddings, babies (which I can't even imagine... even if I try hard my children are never *our* children).  
  
She's thinking long-term.  
  
And no matter how much I try to convince myself, I'm not. 


End file.
